Albert Haynesworth, the marquis name of the 2009 free agency, has signed with the Washington Redskins for a mind-boggling 7 year, 100 million dollars. The deal likely makes him the highest paid defensive player in the league. The 27 year old player could potentially add exactly what the team has lacked for so long — […]
Source:Redskins Signing Spree Begins; Haynesworth and Hall signed
Looj Cannon
I was happy to notice a marked improvement in the color, consistency, and bouquet of my stool. But not as happy as if I’d been in the bathroom at the time.
What medical problem was I enduring? Why was I on the roof? What was Sen. Robert Menendez (R-New Jersey) doing there? And why was he crying? I’ve already told the judge and the jury the answers to all those questions. Consult the transcripts if you really need to know.
The important thing is, when I really needed it, the iRobot Looj Gutter-Cleaning Robot was there for me. Spinning at 500 RPM, the three-stage auger tunneled through all the filth in my gutter, both natural and man-made. Thanks to the wireless remote, it responded obediently to my commands – a characteristic I demand in all of my associates. Fortunately, my gutters are more than 3-1/4” wide and 2-1/4” high, allowing the Looj ample clearance to do its clearance. In minutes, my gutters were flowing free and easy. And I never had to climb on a ladder or put on rubber gloves.
I mean, yeah, I wear rubber gloves all the time anyway. But that’s just me.
Even as America slides into anarchy and panic, a citizen still has certain rights. The right to perform his own dental work without a license. The right to refuse to identify the species of the meat in his freezer. The right to deploy guard wasps to defend his property. And the right to effortlessly clean gutters. Thanks to the iRobot Looj, I’m one step closer to fully realizing those rights. The only way it could be any better is if it knew how to train wasps.
Warranty: 1 Year iRobot
Features:
In the box:
Source:iRobot Looj Gutter Cleaning RobotiRobot Looj Gutter Cleaning Robot
Feel Light-Headed
Do you ever feel like you’re just another forehead in the crowd?
You know you’ve got to get noticed to get anywhere in life. But all too often, people look right past you like you’re a piece of furniture. And not a hip Scandinavian piece of furniture. More like a faux-colonial Ethan Allen end table. And nobody ever made a faux-colonial end table Vice-President of Acquisitions, or gave it its own DJ night. You’ve stopped wearing that shirt that matches the wallpaper, which is a good start. But you’ll need more than that to go from anonymous to enormous.
So strap on the Garrity Luxeon LED Headlamp and get ready for attention. The main 1-watt pivoting lamp, three secondary white LEDs and two red LEDs, say “Shield your eyes, world, because a star shines among you.” Supervisors, future fans, potential mates: they’ll all be forced to take notice whether they like it or not. Not even the area behind you is safe, thanks to the two red blinking LEDs around back. Like the aircraft spotlight that draws attention to a new Jiffy Lube, the Garrity Luxeon uses the power of light to let the public know you will not be ignored.
Sure, you can also use this headlamp to help you see in dark places like caves, attics, mines, fallout shelters, and movie theaters. But its sure-fire attention-getting powers are too valuable to keep cooped up in the dark. Don’t just sit around waiting for the spotlight – become the spotlight with the Garrity Luxeon LED Headlamp!
Nudity also helps.
Warranty: Lifetime Garrity (Except for batteries and bulbs)
Features:
5 Function Switch:
3 Function Switch:
In the box:
Source:Garrity 1 Watt Pivoting Luxeon LED Headlamp - $9.99Garrity 1 Watt Pivoting Luxeon LED Headlamp
Nobody thinks they have an accent - it’s everybody else who sounds weird. Americans are no different. So it can be disconcerting and/or hilarious to hear what other English speakers think we sound like. If these videos of non-U.S. Anglophones imitating “American” accents are any indication, our manner of speaking is two parts Valley Girl, one part cowboy, and one part action hero. But at least we know the letter R isn’t usually silent.
Are you looking for furniture with the look and feel of rich Corinthian rendered pig fat? And a heaping helping of art-theory wankery on the side? Look no further than the Lard Series by Commonwealth. This greasy collection attempts to “embrace both a sense of defined regulation and a perverse appreciation for irregular, lard-like form” like the stool shown here.
By now, you might be wondering who on Earth would want to plop down on a cubic pile of hot-pink hog drippings, and whether any adult really takes this conceptual nonsense seriously. But don’t express that opinion in polite company, lest ye be outed as a philistine who hasn’t learned to appreciate that “the pairing of the minimal with the intricate is an attempt to establish a rhythmic relationship between the metered orthogonal grids and the more melodic topological surfaces.” As for me, I don’t know whether to sit on it or fry hamhocks in it.
Source:The Throne Of The Lard
We Found It In A Hotel Lobby
There’s a moral crisis sweeping the country today.
There was a time when the popular tennis racquet industry was the gateway to a wholesome activity that the whole family could enjoy. Apparently, though, that time has passed. The release of the Prince O3 Speedport Gold Tennis Racquet has created a new, and dare we say it, dangerous, moral climate that threatens our children.
Features like the illicitly named “Speedport Shaft™” lead our sons and daughters to begin wondering about questions that a decent lifestyle should never need to address, while the “rock solid Air Bridge™ yoke” sets an impossible standard of control that few, if any, can ever expect to reach, in their games or relationships. With these ideals implanted early in the minds of our children, is it any wonder that crime and violence are speeding out of control? How many people have to die in tennis related incidents before the government steps in and does something?
It doesn’t end with those two terrible examples, though. The “DuraSoft+ grip”, the “TPR throat insert”, the “70% larger sweet spot”. This Prince O3 Speedport Gold Tennis Racquet is a veritable casserole of vice and sin. Why, the Prince O3 Speedport Gold Tennis Racquet is even directly marketed to players with “shorter, slower strokes”.
In today’s society, parents are forced to accept that the more popular sports, such as Football and Basketball and Major League Soccer, are no longer a good source of childhood heroes. But shame on you, Prince O3 Speedport Gold Tennis Racquet, for turning the once pristine game of Tennis into a pool of innuendo and carnality. Couldn’t you at least have used parental advisory stickers?
Warranty: 1 Year Prince
Features:
Specifications:
In the box:
Source:Prince O3 Speedport Gold Tennis RacquetPrince O3 Speedport Gold Tennis Racquet
At the rate the economy is going, not a single American will be employed by the end of the year. And not even inanimate objects are spared the pain of the economic collapse, as our warehouse full of jobless products can attest. But our woots aren’t quitters. They’re dusting themselves off, scraping together the pennies between their couch cushions, and riding the bus around town looking for work. But since they don’t have any hands, eyes, or brains, they need a little help with their resumes. That’s where you come in:
Show us a resume for a past or current Woot product.
We’re looking for an image here, not just text - and feel free to include telling visual details like Scooba fluid stains or smeared printer ink.
Post your entry here by 11:59 AM CST on Monday, March 16, 2009.
Prizes are $20/$50/$100 for 3rd/2nd/1st. The rules and criteria for
winning: our panel of volunteer judges can and will make stuff up as it
goes along. Use Photoshop, linoleum blocks, pastels, MSPaint, cave
painting, tattoos, tribal scarification, whatever, but it’ll only be
judged if it’s visible in our forums as a jpg, gif, or png. As we are
fond of saying, try to keep your maximum width to 450px. If you need a
place to host your pictures, try www.imageshack.ws or www.photobucket.com.
We have no connection to either, but they seem free and easy to use.
And if you want us to be sure your entry was indeed your work, post
links to your source images. The more sure we are that you did your own
work, the more likely we are to consider it for a prize.
Source:Woot Contest 213: Certified Proficient In Bovine Excreta Delivery
They Grew Up Fast In Those Days
Hello, everyone. Today we’ve got a special treat!
Our Staff Translator has found an original copy of The Story Of Goldilocks And The Three Bears, and he’s translated it from the original German, with no edits or changes. We’re hoping you enjoy this rare look at a classic fairy tale as it was designed to be read. Are you sitting comfortably? Then we shall begin.
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young girl named Goldilocks. She liked to spend her days wandering through the forest with her Stanley 20 Piece Socket Set, looking for things she could repair. On this particular day, she came across a beautiful cottage. It was practically perfect, except for a single loose bolt. Feeling neighborly, Goldilocks decided to fix the problem herself!
First, Goldilocks took out her Six Point Drive Socket, knowing it met all ANSI standards. Then she looked over the 1/4” MaxDrive™ Sockets. It was such a big decision! First she tried a 5/32 socket, but that was too small. Then she tried a 9/32 socket, but that was too big! So, instead, Goldilocks sat down, took the included 3” Drive Extension and began to… oh… oh MY! Welll, fairy tales certainly were different in those days! Ha ha! Maybe we should skip a bit, here.
Ahem. “What’s all this?” asked Father Bear as he entered the house. “Oh, no!” cried Goldilocks, “I’m ever so sorry!” But Father Bear only laughed. “Don’t worry, young lady, I understand. Let me show you what I do in the woods!” Goldilocks smiled as Father Bear began to… what? WHAT? HOW CAN PEOPLE EVEN… WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT COUNTRY?
Look, let’s just flip through the pages a bit, maybe we can find something, you know, decent to read. “Oh my!” said Mother Bear, “The 1/4” Ratchet Arm is so cold against my”… “If you please, Mrs. Bear,” said Goldilocks, “I’d love to visit the barn next.” Oh, good lord. “If you throw in the Stanley 20 Piece Socket Set I’ll give you a good price for her,” the Gypsy promised Father Bear. Well, let’s stop there. Let’s just… let’s just stop there. The end.
Warranty: Lifetime Stanley
Features:
In the box:
Source:Stanley 20 Piece Socket Set - 2 PackStanley 20 Piece Socket Set - 2 Pack
If, like me, you never had a chance to visit CBGB, the now-defunct club where New York punk rock was born, feast your eyes on this hi-res, 360-degree walkthrough. Fittingly enough, it starts in the bathroom, and the impressively sharp picture lets you read every scrawl of graffiti on the toilet walls. I’ve never been so grateful that aroma technology hasn’t been developed yet.
Some enterprising game designer ought to turn this into an FPS game environment, so we can all beat up poseurs from the comfort of our swivel chairs. Actually, what impressed me most about this is how unimpressive the club itself is. If you don’t know the history behind it, it could be any other punk dive in any other city in the world. Just goes to show that it’s not the place that matters, it’s what people do there that counts.
Boy, do I hate these weekly letters to the authors. We published one. single. book. about the horrifically raw emotional rending of a woman’s psyche after the end of her marriage to a man destined for sainthood, if only it weren’t for his series of affairs with younger women. Oh yeah, and there were giant eleven-legged half amoebish brain-eating slugoids from M31 which destroyed the northern hemisphere in there too. And now we’re deluged with authors who want to Show us the cover of a classic literary work remixed to include zombies, monsters, vampires, or other horror elements. Sigh…Dear Mr. Aquinas: While we appreciate the contrast that re-animated vampyres would bring to your treatise, we regret that the disjointed way in which you added them to the story would not really interest our publishing house’s readers. Incidentally, we do not have the technology to smear actual human blood over the pages of the second half of the book…
First Place - $100
jatanis - Clifford The Big Dead Dog
“No, little guy, Clifford isn’t really dead. I know you can see him on the screen there, but it’s just someone’s bad taste idea of a jok- see, Clifford is OK, here at Amazon.com! No, that other page was nothing, just forget all about -here, now who wants a cookie?”
Second Place - $50
boredbabe90 - uncle tom’s cabin of horror!
This disturbs the hell out of us, and yet…awesomely scary!
Third Place - $20
zilla81 - The Old Man and the Sea Monster
“Jonah? Jonah! You get back from that thing! Stay back, you don’t know that it’s really dea- Oh my God! Jonah! Jonah!”
Honorable Mentions:
mwiseman - Chop on Pop
Being a surprisingly warm (and wet) tail about the childhood antics of Lizzy Borden and her mysteriously disappeared twin.
snackbot - Bride of Bovary
In which a newly reanimated ingenue learns the ins and outs of running a gothic castle while staying out of the sun.
rickrocket - JaneWere
In which her lycanthropy causes a young girl to kill everyone she knows, except her one true love, Rochester Talbot.
ActorTom - Anne of Green Goblins
Moving to a new place always holds some surprises, doesn’t it?
allcirca - Jack and Jill
…well, you know.
toby8915 - Silent American
If a self blinded man falls over a downed tree in the forest, can anyone hear him scream? Bueller? anyone?
BML0579 - The Bookstore
A surprisingly good selection of our books, demonstrating how many other excellent possibilities there were available to choose from.
Monkey Prize
stunnard -Rise of the killer fart
We’re stunnarded.
Money winners, please email your Paypal info to jtoon@woot.com. Monkey Prize winner, please email your shipping address to jtoon@woot.com. If you really, really, really want the über-special monkey prize, you need to break out your credit card, the spray paint, and the ladder. and, if you go online, you can acquire aluminum Christmas ornaments in a variety of shapes. These can be cleverly spray painted to the color monkey you prefer, and, when dry (THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, as MRS JOSEPHUS CONTINUES TO REMIND ME), they can be arranged over one’s house in the shape of monkey fur. ***Special note: ANY ornamentation that will be ANYWHERE near one’s chimney ought to be made of metal, and NOT PAINTED (yes ma’am, I know, I KNOW.)** Your local fire department will affirm this, if you want to check. Remember to use the special red paint on the buttockial region, and you will find yourself living in the biggest monkey prize ever! Honorable Mentioneers may use coupon code HONMEN-FS for free shipping on a future order. it might work once, for one of you. if not, email service and they’ll be good about fixing it. Until next time remember: always let the paint dry, COMPLETELY, before you place the ornaments on the: a) house, b) car, c) dog, d) child. especially a, b, and d. and it can’t be just tacky, it has to be completely dry. It will always be tacky, even after it is dry, you can trust us on this.