There! Are! Four! Lights!

What if the end of the world was tomorrow? Well, it probably wouldn’t matter, because there would be no one left to notice.

But what if it was only the end of most of the world? Picture it: buildings crumbling. Dogs with whips. Open fire pits. Rampant socialism. Not a pretty picture, is it? And we know what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking “How would I find my driveway in the dark?”

This four pack of Intermatic LZ501RP4 Metal Solar Lights w/Remote Panel is designed for the sort of person who wants to be ready when “the grid” leaves them behind. You don’t need electricity, you don’t need to fully understand Atlas Shrugged, all you need is direct sunlight and the Intermatic LZ501RP4 Metal Solar Lights will charge themselves. You’ll get ten to twelve hours of on time, and they’ll automatically light themselves at night. That gives you plenty of time to grow your own food, make your own tools, and do your own laundry. What’s that? You haven’t read that far? Oh, sorry about the spoilers. That was selfish.

The Intermatic LZ501RP4 Metal Solar Lights w/Remote Panel will put a bright LED in the place you need it most: your place! They even work in the shade, as long as the panel is in the sun. Don’t spend your life in the dark. Become enlightened! Surely they can’t tax the sun… right?

Warranty: Two Year Intermatic

Features:

• Fixtures can be installed in shade so long as solar panel is in direct sunlight
• Solar panel recharges during the day
• Fixtures light automatically at night
• Super bright LED technology
• No electricity required
• 10 to 12 hours ON time
• Turns ON and OFF automatically
• Metal Fixtures
• Install in a variety of arrangements

Additional Photo:

• Outdoor

In the box:

• 1 Solar Panel
• 4 Walklight Fixtures
• 4 Ground Stakes
• 4 Surface Mount Brackets
• 4 Twenty Foot Power Leads (80 Feet Total)
• 4 Rechargeable Batteries

Source:Metal Solar Landscape Lights 4 Pack with Remote Panel - $29.99Metal Solar Landscape Lights 4 Pack with Remote Panel

They Are A Starfaring Race, You Know

Once upon a time, in a magical land known as Texas, there was a little armadillo named Kevin, who was kind and good and worked in an office.

Kevin was very popular with his co-workers, but not because he worked very hard, even though he did. Kevin was popular because, each day at exactly three thirty, he would reach under his desk and take out his Famous Armadillo Astronauts lunchbox and bring out a delicious snack. “Hey, is that beef jerky?” the noble falcon who handled inventory discrepancies would ask. “You make that cheesecake yourself?” the friendly otter in security would inquire. “Meow meow an extra brownie meow?” the pretty young kitten with the beautiful smile and the desk beside the bathrooms would request. And, being a kind and good armadillo, Kevin always brought enough to share.

But there was one day that Kevin left his Famous Armadillo Astronauts lunchbox at home. And that day was his birthday! Kevin smiled to himself as he got dressed, his Philips DC912/37 iPod Dock with Wireless Subwoofer playing in the background. Because he knew, just as surely as the Philips DC912/37 iPod Dock with Wireless Subwoofer was easy to set up, his friends were planning something special. “I should bring my Philips DC912/37 iPod Dock with Wireless Subwoofer to work,” Kevin thought, “in case my party needs music! That way my friends can charge their iPhones or iPod Touches as we listen!” So that is what Kevin did.

When Kevin reached the door, he could see streamers and balloons and what looked like a waterslide. He was as happy as a person who had an SD or MMC card would be when they found out that the Philips DC912/37 iPod Dock with Wireless Subwoofer had an SD and MMC card slot, even if he was no good at making metaphors about happiness. Kevin was certainly glad that his Philips DC912/37 iPod Dock with Wireless Subwoofer was so lightweight and easy to carry. He picked it up and went inside.

“Happy Birthday, Kevin!” yelled all of his animal co-workers at the top of their lungs. Kevin peeked in the break room and noticed a big cake, made of whatever it is that armadillos like to eat, and a stack of presents. And because he was kind and good, he said “Aw, you guys didn’t have to do all this!” and meant it.

“Look, everyone, Kevin brought his Philips DC912/37 iPod Dock with Wireless Subwoofer!” said the star-nosed mole who handled tech support. “Aw, I don’t have an iPod or iPhone!” lamented the red squirrel who filed HR paperwork. “Don’t worry,” Kevin spoke up brightly, “the Philips DC912/37 iPod Dock with Wireless Subwoofer has additional ports that allow for other devices to be used as well, even though you can’t charge them as you listen.” And at that, the whole office shouted “Hooray!” and got in line to use the waterslide.

That night, Kevin sat in his living room and looked over his gifts. There was a freshly killed rabbit from the noble falcon, a lovely smooth seashell from the friendly otter, and a dime bag of catnip from the pretty young kitten. Kevin rotated his Philips DC912/37 iPod Dock with Wireless Subwoofer so that his iPhone was in landscape mode and settled back to watch the video he had made of the wonderful party, enjoying the clear, quality sound.

Before he went to bed, Kevin packed the leftover cake into his Famous Armadillo Astronauts lunchbox, so that, at three thirty the next day, he could share with his friends again. And, as he fell asleep to the quality sound coming from the Philips DC912/37 iPod Dock with Wireless Subwoofer, Kevin decided that it had been a pretty good birthday.

Warranty: 1 Year Philips

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Features:

• Integrated dock specially designed to suit the accelerometer feature for the iPod Touch and iPhone; can change the display orientation of the dock so you can conveniently view a webpage, photo or video clip in its proper aspect ratio on the screen of your iPod touch
• Connect any docking iPod (including iPhone and iPod Touch) directly to the Docking entertainment system so you can listen to music and also charge while it plays
• Digital wireless subwoofer is optimized to reproduce bass frequencies. The result is a powerful reproduction of deep bass with the minimum of distortion
• Access more digital music via the built-in USB Direct and SD/MMC card slots, plug your device into the USB port, or insert your memory card in the SD/MMC card slot on your Philips music system, your digital music and photos will be played directly from the device
• Digital FM radio offers you additional music options to your music collection on your Philips audio system. Simply tune into the station that you want to preset, press and hold the preset button to memorize the frequency
• Designed to blend into your living space. Can be place on a table, shelf, or desk, but can also be wall mounted if you don’t have the extra space. The wireless subwoofer can be tucked in a corner out of the way and out of sight
• All-in-one remote control, you can now navigate both your Philips music system and your iPod through hundreds of songs easily with the one simple press of the remote control. Displaying information listed according to playlist, album, artist, genre or track, the navigation offers speedy yet simple through hundreds of files

Additional Photos:

• Subwoofer
• Wide Screen Mode
• iPod on Dock
• Remote Control
• USB and SD/MMC Card Slot (Top View)
  
• Auxilliary 1 and 2 with Power plug view (Rear View)

Connectivity:

• iPod Dock Connector
• USB host
• SD/MMC card slot
• Dual Auxiliary 3.5 mm

Audio Playback:

• Cradle playback mode: Charging iPod, Play and Pause, Next and Previous track, fast forward and backward
• Playback Media: SD/MMC card, USB flash drive
• Programmable Tracks: 20

Tuner/Reception/Transmission:

• Tuner Bands: FM Stereo
• Antenna: FM Antenna
• Tuner Enhancements: Auto Store
• Auto digital tuning
• Station presets: 20

Sound:

• Output power (RMS): Total 100W RMS
• Sound System: Stereo
• Loudspeaker types: Bass Reflex Speaker System
• Sound Enhancement: Digital Sound Control 4 modes, Dynamic Bass Boost
• Volume Control: Volume Control up/down

Loudspeakers:

• Built-in speakers: 2
• Main Speaker: 3” woofer, Bass Reflex Speaker System
• Subwoofer type: Wireless subwoofer, Active
• Finishing: Metal

Convenience:

• Display Type: LCD
• Backlight: Yes
• Remote Control: Multi-functional
• Alarms: iPod Alarm, USB alarm, Radio Alarm
• User convenience: Sleep Timer
• Clock/Version: Digital
• Eco Power Standby: 1 watt
• Wall mountable

Dimensions:

• Speaker Base WxHxD: 500mm X 165mm X 120.7mm
• Subwoofer WxHxD: 170mm X 197mm X 302mm

In the box:

• DC912/37 iPod Docking System
• Wireless Remote Control
• Powered Wireless Subwoofer
• A/C Adapter and Power Cord for iPod Docking System
• 3 iPod Docking Adapters
• Audio Cable
• AC Power Cord for Subwoofer
• User Manual
• Warranty Certificate

Source:Philips Entertainment System with iPod Dock and Wireless SubwooferPhilips Entertainment System with iPod Dock and Wireless Subwoofer

No, that’s not a new-school Cylon, that’s an old-school AI! When we heard there was a Knight Rider festival in Las Vegas, Nevada, we ran right to our bosses and begged them to let the whole creative group go and observe. Of course, we were told it wasn’t cost effective. Which is why they sent our developer group instead.

While we were at home with our regular non-talking cars, these lucky jerks were spending a full day enjoying all the excitement of Knight Rider Day, a once-in-a-lifetime event. Possibly because nobody really cares about going a second time.

Here we see the official paperwork which started off Knight Rider Day. Even now it rests in the Smithsonian, probably between the paperwork for “Dynamite Sweathog Week” and “Freaky Ferengi February”. They really should get around to alphabetizing that place.

With a counterfeit pass in hand, Andrew was able to squander millions of actual, sellable photo opportunities and choose only the most ridiculous of shots to present to our readership. And we couldn’t be prouder of what he accomplished in our name.

We’ll be recapping their trip to Knight Rider Day over the next week or so. “Knightly,” you might say, if you’re somehow not yet dreading all of the upcoming puns. See you then!

Source:A Knight In Vegas, Part One: Knight Time

So once they hit the glorious Fremont Street (where we’ve been once before), our Knight Rider Ground Team raced to get the shot that everyone wanted. That’s right, a picture of the world’s coolest car.

And once that was out of the way, they started looking for KITT.

Ahh, there he is. As everyone knows, the Knight Industries Two Thousand was designed to work for the cause of justice and fight evil wherever it… hey, wait a minute… does that light seem a little… different?

Oh no! It’s KARR! The only Trans Am with a goatee! Thankfully, a real KITT was on hand to keep everyone safe.

We didn’t just meet a traditional KITT. The whole darn family turned up!

New KITT was around to show off and help out and beg people to watch the show on NBC. Probably didn’t work too well, but hey, he’s just one car. He can only do so much.

Maybe you could call them “Team Knight Rider”. Has that been done already?

We wish we could say “At this point, we ran into Val Kilmer”, mostly because we’re dying to make a Dark Knight Rider joke. But Val apparently had better things to do with his life. We did, however, get to meet these guys:

Someone said the man in the yellow jacket was the guy who actually put the original KITTtogether. So that’s sort of cool, right?

Our Knight Rider Day coverage isn’t stopping until the fuel light turns on. And we’re getting great mileage. Check back here tomorrow Knight for more!

Source:A Knight In Vegas, Part Two: Silent Knight

Everyone knows that an event the size of Knight Rider Day will bring out the crowds like almost nothing else.

These barricades held against the rush, but just barely.

Here the crowd is dazzled during a three hour seminar in which a Harvard professor considered the philosophy of “Turbo Mode”.

And this guy’s hat was on fire!

Anyway, thanks to that counterfeit pass, our Knight Rider Ground Team found the perfect moment, created an opening, and went for it. Here’s the current star of Knight Rider, Justin Bruening. He’s all smiles for Knight Rider Day!

Annnnnd here’s Justin Bruening’s bottom about five seconds later:

Good to see our ground team keeping it classy.

If our Knight Rider Day coverage was a big truck full of computers, you’d be deep inside it in the middle of a level four diagnostic. We don’t know what that means. Just be prepared to keep reading for as our coverage continues, night after Knight.

Source:A Knight In Vegas, Part Three: Knight Moves

Let’s be honest with each other: April Fool’s Day is plumb mean. People put thumbtacks on each other’s chairs, glass shards on each other’s soap, water pails above each other’s doorways, petroleum jelly on each other’s telephone receivers, rubber snakes in each other’s cereal, and whoopie cushions pretty much everywhere. And why?

Well, because it’s hilarious, that’s why. But since you probably didn’t have time to break into all your friends’ homes to take photos of their toothbrushes in your butt, distribute our above-linked greeting card to the people you missed. It’ll get ‘em feeling good and paranoid all the same.

Source:Woot’s Year of Greetings: April - Prank You Very Much

Bag O’ Crap XXXVIII: Can You Believe This Ship?

Your three dollars get you three craps – and your million dollars for shipping gets you a personal crap delivery from our CEO.

He’ll land in your front yard or on the roof of your apartment building in an AH-64 Apache helicopter and kneel before you to present your crap on a pillow woven from threads of pure platinum and stuffed with manatee whiskers, to fanfare from an 84-piece mariachi orchestra. If there’s a better way to spend a million dollars, we hope you don’t think of it.

Of course, that may seem extravagant to those of you of more limited means. So for a mere $350,000, we’ll hire the most beautiful skydivers we can find of the gender of your choice to parachute down to you with the crap concealed somewhere on their bodies. You’ll have to search them for it. Whatever you find is yours. And take as long as you want – you paid for it. Just enter the coupon code BODYCAVITY when you check out.

If your budget doesn’t permit that, we do offer another choice. A troupe of authentic circus freaks will parade before you in a grotesque pageant of human oddity and pathos, each adding one more piece of crap to your pile as you contemplate the infinite variety of creation. Just don’t call Barba the Bearded Lady “sir”. She’ll mess you up bad, no problem. You can receive your crap via this method by entering the coupon code GABBAGABBA. Shipping charge: $100,000.

True bargain-chasers might prefer a more no-frills alternative. For just $15,000, we’ll arrange an authentic Bedouin-style feast in your home, with your crap stuffed inside the traditional main dish, a whole roasted camel. Vegetarian options available upon request. For this shipping method, enter the tasty coupon code CAMEL.

Of course, if you’re the average Wooter, you’re more of the frugal type who might find an even better shipping deal. The kind of deal you only discover when you’re slow and methodical. The kind that goes to the sort of person who never comes out of their shell. And maybe will be afraid of salt. There’s got to be some kind of coupon code for those types.

However you choose to receive it, the world-famous Woot Bag o’ Crap is sure to provide all the disappointment and regret Woot is known for.

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v3.0

I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond ONE bag of some kind and THREE crappy items.

II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.

III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.

IV. Thou shalt not expect better crap just because things are different this time. Crap is crap.

V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.

Source:Random CrapRandom Crap

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP)—A man who police say skipped out of paying for a prosthetic leg has been arrested.

Legal experts say he didn’t have a… you know what, let’s just move on.

BELFAST, Northern Ireland, March 27 (UPI)—A researcher at Queen’s University Belfast says crabs and other crustaceans are capable of feeling pain.

Dramatists worry that this news could lead to a Spongebob Squarepants version of “The Merchant of Venice”.

NEW YORK (AP)—A New York businessman is launching a new kosher tequila in time for Cinco de Mayo.

The new drink threatens the market share of the more traditional Gin & Jews.

BERLIN (AP)—Researchers in Germany have used a modern medical procedure to uncover a secret within one of ancient Egypt’s most treasured artworks – the bust of Nefertiti has two faces.

Scholars say this phenomenon is actually very common among well-bred society women.

Israel approves Netanyahu cabinet

Says it looks nice with dining room table

LONDON (AP)—G-20 protesters clashed with riot police in downtown London on Wednesday, breaking into the heavily guarded Royal Bank of Scotland and smashing its windows.

Banking officials argue that G-20 was a perfectly legal Bingo play, but protesters argue that the same old lady keeps winning every time, and something is clearly fishy.

Source:R-I-O-T-Clap: Woot Weads The Wire

No, wiseguy, they don’t come in a “magnum” size

UroClub: it may sound like a bad disco in Monte Carlo, but the UroClub is a plastic pee-receptacle cleverly disguised as an innocent five-iron. And it comes complete with a loincloth for the demure. Just make sure you don’t pull this one out when you’re making an approach shot and you’ll stay clean. Except for that tube full of urine in your golf bag.

The Feminal: ward off that not-so-fresh feeling with this porta-toilet for ladies only. With its relaxing pink color and feminine curves, the Feminal could have been designed by Georgia O’Keefe, if she was still alive and had no shame. Fill your car trunk with these and that trip to Lilith Fair will pay for itself.

The Stadium Pal: the steaming, aromatic grandaddy of ‘em all, the Stadium Pal was collecting urine when the other guys were still in (figurative) diapers. It’s nothing but a bag, a tube, and a euphemistically named “external male catheter”. Famously reviewed by David Sedaris in the pages of Esquire, it has apparently found its ideal market in (who else?) Oakland Raiders fans. Sedaris was less impressed. “What ultimately did me in was the self-adhesive condom,” he reports. “Putting it on was no problem, but its removal qualified as what, in certain cultures, is known as a bris.”

And Western Civilization died a little

The Pit Stop: Well I was haulin’ twenty tons of high-priced cargo
When I felt a mighty pressure down below
Couldn’t find a rest stop, couldn’t spare a minute
So I reached for my Pit Stop and just peed in it
Just do your business and the urine flows
Right down the five-foot transfer hose
Now hear John G. from Nebraska speak:
“Better than a milk carton any day of the week”
Quick and so easy and convenient as hell
Now if I could just do something about the smell

Ever used a personal mobile urinating device? Please, tell us all about it. Tasteful photos encouraged. And let’s hear it for the spirit of ingenuity, striving always to free us from the tyranny of urine. Remember, freedom’s just another word for nothing left in your bladder.

Source:Urine Public: Four Products For When You Need To Go On The Go

Cross Our Palms With Silver

The future is not yet at its desk. The past is already gone. The present is on break. Such is will of the universe.

But even though you can’t reach the cosmic forces directly, there’s no need to give up. Hundreds of men and women worldwide have a special power that puts them in touch with destiny. In honor of the Dyson DC25 we’re selling today, we’d like to introduce… Char Latean, Psychic Advisor.

How do you do?

Really? Wow. If you have to ask a question like that we must have been wrong about you. Take her away, fellas.

Wait! Wait! It was just casual conversation! An ice breaker! A cultural standard used as a greeting!

Oh. Let her go, fellas, it’s my mistake. Okay, Char, come up here by the Dyson DC25 and tell us what you see.

I see… a ball of light.

Wow! You mean a spirit form?

No, it is a hard plastic, designed to change your direction at the flip of a wrist. Smooth, easy, always in motion. Like the future.

Oh, right, you’re looking at the DC25’s ball motor. That does make the DC25 easier to steer. But we’re interested in the future, Char. What can you tell us about that?

Dust. All is dust.

Dust? You mean we’re all doomed? A war? A plague? The collapse of the Republican Party after Michael Steele fails to grow a backbone?

No, real dust. I’m looking at the HEPA filtration filter.

Oh, right. The DC25 has a clear bin that’s easy to empty. Okay, fair enough, that’s two for two. But how about a hard one? Who’s gonna win the game next week?

I see… I see…

Who, Char? Who? Carolina? Michigan? Pittsburgh, in a surprise re-entry? Radford? Alaska State?

I see… England over the West Indies.

What?

Destiny is not just for Americans, you know. It’s a big world. Cricket is very popular.

Well, there you go. The Dyson DC25’s ball design might be ideal for cleaning your house, but it can’t tell the future worth a darn. Thanks for nothing, Char.

Is the Greek Chorus in today? Can I get an autograph?

Warranty: 6 Month Dyson

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Features:

• Suction power – 220 airwatts (constant)
• Rides on a ball so you can get the vacuum where you need it with out pushing and pulling, back and forth around corners and obstacles
• The motor is stored inside the ball which gives it a lower center of gravity that improves maneuverability
• Conventional upright vacuums sit on four fixed wheels, making them awkward to steer
• Root Cyclone Technology – Uses cyclonic separation to remove dirt from the air with out using a filter.
• Lifetime HEPA Filtration – HEPA (High Efficiency Particulate Air) filters can remove 99.97% of airborne particles 0.3 micrometers in diameter. This can trap fine particles such as pollen or other allergens.
• Certified Asthma Friendly – Air expelled from a Dyson DC25 has up to 150 times less mold and bacteria than the air you breathe.
• Easy Empty Bin – Button controlled system allows for a clean and hygienic way to discard dust and dirt it traps.
• On Board Tool Storage – Brush and crevice tools store on the machine.
• Brush Bar – Will protect delicate floors and rugs
• Clear Bin – You can see when the bin should be emptied. No need to buy specific vacuum bags.

Specifications:

• Dimensions: 42.4×15.4×12.2 (HxWxD) inches
• Weight: 16.12 pounds
• Suction power: 220 airwatts (constant)
• Bin capacity: 0.31 gallons
• Cord length: 24.6 ft
• Max reach: 40.3 ft

Additional Photos:

• Dyson Ball
• Dyson DC25
• Accessories

In the box:

• Dyson DC25 Upright Ball Vacuum
• Crevise Tool
• Upholstery Tool
• User’s Guide
• Warranty Card

Source:Dyson DC25 Upright Ball VacuumDyson DC25 Upright Ball Vacuum